Worth

To seek.   To search.  To understand.

To awe the world from where I stand.

To grace this world with my very presence,

And give myself and life that essence –

The belief that what I do is right,

And the flow of life I shouldn’t fight.

But that my heart is worth the love

That fills it like a hand in glove

So perfect as to hold it tight

And keep it warm in the dead of night

That my soul is worth the tears

That have graced my cheeks for many years

For I am not but who I am....

Does it feel like there should be more???

I started this poem back when I was 16, and the ending has changed many times.  I’ve gone through rebellious times where I’ve ended it with “And I am not a measly lamb”, and religious times where, ironically, it’s been “I am just God’s precious lamb”.  Maybe the ending will come some day, so this is where I left it – unfinished and flawed.

My mother always said growing up that I was special – that I would do something “big” someday.  I felt it too.  I beamed with pride.  Not sure what big things were in my future, but I was confident they would come.  I believed in myself.

Wouldn’t it be great if you could just be?  Exactly who you are is who everybody – including yourself – expects you to be.  I realize now that those feelings - of greatness - are normal with your children.  Most parents believe that their children are special in some way – they’ll excel in some way that will make you proud to say “that is my son/daughter”.  Somewhere along the line, I lost those feelings for myself.  I stopped believing that I was capable of being remarkable.

Checklists began to form in my head of everything I needed to be to please everyone.  The negatives were brought to the front and the positives began to fade.  The problem was, fulfilling one person’s expectations, usually negates someone else’s hope.  My path to greatness – which I never gave up on – seemed to be determined by the path that is set by others.  Mountains of praise from people sat in the shadows of criticism.  Some of these were perceived criticisms... some of them real.  Regardless of who it came from, it all felt the same.

At some point, the pressure mounded, and I realized that the old cliché was  true.  You can’t please everyone.  I started living for my family and myself.  I started believing in myself.  I became confident that I was capable of greatness.  It’s perhaps not the magnitude of “big things”, but I will be something... I’ll be me.  I do the best that I can, and I try not to regret that I stumble along the line.

I’ve recently been reminded that it’s a concerted effort to do this when faced with misfortune.  It’s easy to fall down.  It’s hard to get up.  You have to remember you are worth it.

The ending – I’ll finish some day.  For now it will sit... flawed... but that’s OK with me.