A post without a home

So what happens when a blogger wants to spew virtual words but has no idea how to properly articulate what she feels?  The blogger becomes a blithering idiot.  That idiot is me tonight.  

I find I can't sleep well at night these days.  I have a lot on my mind, and it's really stuff I can't control.  Things that take me in endless circles of thought where no resolution is found.  I'm left wondering.  I'm left anxious.  I feel a general uneasiness.

I am a country girl.  It will forever be in my heart, and is gradually becoming the forefront of my mind.  I want nothing more than to buy my acreage and spend my days in my quiet retreat nestled away in my little bit of heaven.  

I grew up with early mornings and early bedtimes.  My days involved cyclical feeding, watering, and physical checkovers.  I built fences, dug post holes by hand, mended buildings, doctored wounds, analyzed and reanalyzed physical and psychological goals for my animals, planted pastures, and filled gopher holes.  I was out in the minus 40 and the plus 35.  I had a stunning farmer's tan, dirt engrained nails, and from the color of my neck you would think I was native.  I had happy moments and sad moments, but somehow the blood, sweat and tears felt like every minute was a minute well spent.

I'm sorry if you don't understand this.  I am just a simple girl with a love for the simple things.  I don't like having neighbours.  I don't like hearing vehicles.  I don't want to confine my dogs to a backyard or have to worry about the boy with a knife at the park.  I don't want to be within walking distance of a Walmart or biking distance of work.

I want my kids to play in hay stacks, build tree forts in the bush, and explore the property armed with only their imaginations.  I want them to clean out corrals and learn the fundamental basics of keeping an animal alive and healthy.  I want them to learn where their food comes from and what it takes to cultivate and grow it.

I can sit and I can wait for this to happen, but I'm not getting any younger... and neither are my children.  Aurora and Denali are already past the age I was when we moved to the acreage.  Reno has 3 more years in his term as mayor, and we'd both like for him to finish his term.  That's 3 whole years though...  Aurora will be 14!

I'm to the point in my life where I feel like I need to step back and re-evaluate where I'm going and what I am doing.  I love my job, so that isn't going anywhere... it's more what I do in the time I spend at home that doesn't seem to align with my values and goals.

I'm not teaching my children anything.  They are going to school, doing the few chores they need to, and then filling the remainder of their time with video games, TV, lego and the occasional friend playtime.  I know the only person to blame is myself.  I haven't taught them anything else.  I haven't taken the time.  To be honest, I feel a little lost like I wouldn't know where to start with the resources I have available at my disposal, although that's still no excuse.  There are values and morals that are taught on farms.  There are life cycles observed, and real-time restrictions.  There are no I'll-do-it-later's.  This I know.  

I'm sure you can tell by now this is important to me, but obviously we are in a bit of a pickle... and thus the endless cycles begin and the evaluating and re-evaluating of our needs and wants is done.  Ultimately only time will tell and we can only hope that we will know the right decision to be made when it comes....

Until then, 

Idiot out.

Butterflies, Lights, and Rainbows

From the time I was a little girl right up until the time that my mom passed, Mom and I had many spiritual discussions.  Mom believed a lot in reincarnation, karma, and the like.  Discussions revolved a lot about our sense of timing and listening to our guts... about how sometimes they are dead wringer on and sometimes they are completely off. 

We discussed, at length in the years before her death, how she would come back and give me signs after she passed.  She would appear as butterflies and she would give me signals and lights to show her existence.  When I was a child, she followed a light to above my bed.  After her dad passed, she found pennies to think of him.  At the time, I thought I didn't want her to show me these things.  I didn't want to see lights and butterflies and rainbows.  I didn't want to connect with the spiritual world for fear of what I might find.

I saw many lights and felt many things the night she died.  I was absolutely terrified and, to be honest, did not sleep a wink of sleep the first 48 hours.  I've now learned it is a normal part of losing a loved one and being there for their death; to me she was showing her spiritual self to me and trying to comfort me and I was having nothing to do with it.

Now I would give anything to see her. 

Last night I had a dream - a semi continuance from the last one I had of her.  My last dream was vague when I woke up, but I do remember her coming off a plane to visit and being unhappy to be forced to come from her place of origin (wherever that was). 

Last night, I dreamt I brought her for a visit from her house where she had nestled down and settled into.  When she arrived, I helped her into a rocker recliner I had.  It was very difficult to get her positioned in the chair, and in the end she was so weak she could barely talk.  I pulled a chair up beside her and started to talk... and then bawl.

"I miss you so much....," I bawled on and on.  She was weak but resolute.  Her eyes met mine and there was... nothing.  They were empty and hollow, and the pain from that glance hurt almost as much as losing her that night.  She was gone and could I blame her???  I brought her back from whatever spiritual resolution she found to a place of sadness, weakness and despair. 

My feelings of disconnect have never been so overwhelming.  I want my butterflies, and lights and rainbows.  I yearn for her comfort.  I keep thinking this isn't the way this is supposed to go... this isn't what we talked about.

Please tell me it was just a dream...