Let me preface this post by saying that this isn't directed at any one particular person. If you are feeling like this is a direct attack on you, please don't take it this way. This blog is my voice (not Reno's) - a place where I get to be this alter ego that resides within. A lot of time, this stuff builds up and when it releases, it's a bit of a bomb. Unfortunately, I can't predict where the bomb will hit a nerve, and for that reason, I hope you can all read this with a grain of salt. Punch me back all you want, but I need to get this off my chest.
I'm not a confrontational person. Reno always says I say sorry way too many times in a day. I feel guilty when I can't make people happy. I'm much more of a "Yes, sir!" kind of gal. This may or may not come as a surprise to you, but often the enthusiasm behind the yes is really lacking, and what I REALLY want to say is NO. I am a mother of 4 children. I cannot count on all of the digits of my appendages how many times in a day something is requested of me. These 4 children have needs that I simply can't say no to. I HAVE to feed them. I HAVE to provide for them. I HAVE to make sure they have clean clothes. I HAVE to make them feel loved and secure. This is not at all saying that Reno does not do his share of the work in providing for them. He most absolutely does, but even with both of us here nearly 24/7, it still doesn't always feel like we can meet all of the expectations that have been put upon us. I know, I know - you are thinking that this was our choice. We chose to have this many children... You are right, we did make this choice. We made it knowing full well how much work they are, how much attention they need and how your day/night is never really over and the worry never stops... but it doesn't mean I'm not tired. It doesn't change the fact that I'm not always up to the challenges put in place by others around me.
On any given day, I take very little for myself. I don't do my hair or my makeup. My nails are chewed so short they sometimes hurt. My clothes are re-worn and dirty and not at all fashionable. I managed to find something that I absolutely LOVE doing that also to fills a need of Graysen's. I make cloth diapers. I'm going to start making them for others. Not for the money, but for me. I do it for a creative release and a little me time, and I'm not going to give that up. I deserve to have something that makes me happy just as much as you do.
I return to work in 2 weeks.... 2 weeks! I'm excited and nervous at the same time. Work will have its own set of challenges and requests. It's obvious that those - like the kids - are more of the "Yes, sir!" kind of response. It's going to be an adjustment going back. Factoring in the 1.5 hours of daily commute on top of an 8 hour work day is going to mean I'm even MORE tired and unwilling to bend over backwards for others.
It's going to mean I have to say no, and it's probably going to be to you.
It doesn't mean I don't like you (or love you if you are family :)). It doesn't mean that I value certain things over you. It doesn't mean I don't respect you enough to consider your request. It means that after much thought and consideration, I just don't have enough to give what you are asking....
And I'm not going to feel guilty about it.
Wednesday 20 April 2011
Tuesday 12 April 2011
Raising Girls
When I became pregnant with Graysen, I was secretly hoping that I would have another girl. I wanted to balance out the whole boy/girl ratio, and I really, really wanted to give Aurora that baby sister that she wanted at the time. I remember when I found out that I was having another boy I felt a pang of sadness. This was my last baby and my last chance to have that girl I was hoping for.
Over time, my sadness turned into relief as my only girl turned into a drama queen. The amount of time she spent being upset and dramatic over everything made me feel so incredibly drained. Gradually, she leveled out a little, and the boys began to frustrate me with their wrestling and fighting, tipping the scales back to being a little sad that I wasn't having another girl. After G was born, the sadness disappeared, and I'm so happy that he is who he is. He fills my heart with so much happiness.
Now that Aurora is approaching the preteen years, I'm becoming more and more insecure about raising a girl. I have always, always been insecure in my own physical attributes. I've hidden behind my intellectual ability and stayed there. I look at other women in envy, and am thankful that my occupation puts me among more men than women. I've often pitied Reno for having to be stuck with me. It's the ugly truth - I hate my body and I really don't like what carrying 4 children in my body has done to me. Unfortunately, it's a vicious cycle of I don't think I look good, so why bother trying, which just makes me feel worse.
My mother raised me telling me I was beautiful, and it always felt heartfelt. I really wanted to believe her, but everywhere I looked, there was this idealistic person that looked nothing like me. I could find something to envy in just about anyone - hair, body, skin, clothes, etc. I had dry, breaking hair. I had acne ridden skin. I was too tall. BUT, I was smart and I was artistic. The popular people didn't even acknowledge me unless it was to pick my brain. I was largely unrecognized, and while I thrived on hiding, I longed to belong.
I resent the world for the pressures I felt. I hate the constant barrage of commercials with super attractive scantily clad women in it. I hate that the pop music my daughter will likely grow up listening is full of lyrics that objectify women. I know it sounds like one giant cliche saying all of this, but society is set up to cause women to spend their entire lives struggling to accept who they are.
This is going to be as much a growing experience for me as it is for her....
Over time, my sadness turned into relief as my only girl turned into a drama queen. The amount of time she spent being upset and dramatic over everything made me feel so incredibly drained. Gradually, she leveled out a little, and the boys began to frustrate me with their wrestling and fighting, tipping the scales back to being a little sad that I wasn't having another girl. After G was born, the sadness disappeared, and I'm so happy that he is who he is. He fills my heart with so much happiness.
Now that Aurora is approaching the preteen years, I'm becoming more and more insecure about raising a girl. I have always, always been insecure in my own physical attributes. I've hidden behind my intellectual ability and stayed there. I look at other women in envy, and am thankful that my occupation puts me among more men than women. I've often pitied Reno for having to be stuck with me. It's the ugly truth - I hate my body and I really don't like what carrying 4 children in my body has done to me. Unfortunately, it's a vicious cycle of I don't think I look good, so why bother trying, which just makes me feel worse.
My mother raised me telling me I was beautiful, and it always felt heartfelt. I really wanted to believe her, but everywhere I looked, there was this idealistic person that looked nothing like me. I could find something to envy in just about anyone - hair, body, skin, clothes, etc. I had dry, breaking hair. I had acne ridden skin. I was too tall. BUT, I was smart and I was artistic. The popular people didn't even acknowledge me unless it was to pick my brain. I was largely unrecognized, and while I thrived on hiding, I longed to belong.
I resent the world for the pressures I felt. I hate the constant barrage of commercials with super attractive scantily clad women in it. I hate that the pop music my daughter will likely grow up listening is full of lyrics that objectify women. I know it sounds like one giant cliche saying all of this, but society is set up to cause women to spend their entire lives struggling to accept who they are.
So I've dumped the blame on society - that's fine. However, I have to raise my daughter to be a confident young woman. I have to take ownership for how I feel. I have to make that change within myself so that I can raise her to do the same. I don't know if she will share in the same struggles I did. She's very strong academically, and reminds me of myself in so many ways. Right now, she believes she is beautiful (as she should - she is gorgeous :)), but I really hope she can maintain that confidence.
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| Drama Queen |
Saturday 9 April 2011
The Perfect Day for it
I was sitting on the deck this morning, still reeling from yesterdays events (everyone ended up getting the stomach flu and we came this close to taking Eloic in to the ER for dehydration), and feeling sorry for myself. I kept thinking about how this year off on maternity leave was supposed to be this magical experience having the whole family together for a whole year. How we were supposed to be able to spend endless hours outside in the sun. We were supposed to enjoy being able to go anywhere on a whim - any time. Reno and I were supposed to be able to spend nights staying out late playing cards with our close neighbor friends. Well, if you can tell by all of the supposed statements, that just never happened. It was really the overstatement of my life - suggesting this year off was going to be such an enjoyable experience, and here I am sitting nearly 1 year later, and I haven't done any of those things. Yet there I sat, on a peaceful morning of a beautiful day drinking my coffee uninterrupted. Of course, it didn't feel like such a peaceful experience when my mind was full of such negative thoughts. I decided to leave my quiet spot to head inside... disinfection of the house after the disastrous few days before was necessary. I justified this move by thinking it was cold and lonely outside, but really, I just didn't want to be alone with my thoughts.
We disinfected all the bathrooms and surfaces, mopped floors, did laundry and caught up on dishes. Graysen woke up and ate lunch. With all the kids sitting on the couch watching some thoughtless TV, we decided we needed to get out of the house. We packed up G in the stroller and off we walked to the store. We let the kids pick their own package of Jello as the nurse recommended it on Healthline as a healthy and easy on the stomach food.
By this time I was starting to feel a lot better about my day - amazing what the power of sunlight can do! We came back home and the kids played outside. I rocked with Graysen on the swing and he was looking mighty sleepy. I brought him in, and after a peaceful nurse, he went down for a nap. Reno and I cooked a nice supper while the kids made a fort in the living room out of chairs and a large blanket. Graysen got up from his nap and freaked out with excitement over the massive fort. So awesome to see his face light up like that.
After supper, we headed out on a small bike ride. The two little ones were together in the bike trailer with Reno pulling them, Aurora and Denali on their bikes, and me on my bike. I have waited two long years to ride that bike. I broke my tailbone right after purchasing it in 2009, and it was still too painful to use last summer. Just another reason to put a smile on my face.
Upon returning to the house, we let the kids play outside again. Graysen watched in awe as Eloic rode his tricycle up and down the driveway. I took out Eloic's old Cozy Coupe and plopped Graysen in it. Instant smile from ear to ear. We "chased" Eloic on his tricycle with the Cozy Coupe, and the two boys and I giggled infectiously. Graysen loves that car - perhaps even more than Eloic did. He's even figured out how to push it backwards.
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| He loved the siron! |
We came inside and ate the Jello we had prepared earlier. Graysen got his own bowl and LOVED it. Anyone who knew us as the Aurora and Denali were growing up knows we NEVER would have given them something like Jello at this age, but by the 4th time around we are most definitely more relaxed. It was super messy, and Graysen was red all over, but what's important was that everyone enjoyed it.
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| YUMMY |
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| The aftermath |
Overall, today was a day that reminded me that while this past year may not have been what I wanted it to be, it was a once in a lifetime opportunity. While it wasn't all roses and sunshine, there were moments that were GREAT and they shouldn't be suffocated by those that didn't quite make the cut. The times where I couldn't go outside to enjoy the outside air and sun shouldn't be overshadowing the times where I watched my beautiful son smile at me in delight. The nightly crying streaks shouldn't make me forget the peaceful body that slept as he nursed. The moments where we were segregated in our own house do to incessant fighting and arguments should not come above the moments where we pulled together as a family, laughed, loved, and shared our thoughts without fear. I needed to be reminded of what an amazing experience whether it turned out the way I wanted it to go or not, that this year has been.
Today was the perfect day for it.
Thursday 7 April 2011
House of Germs XXXX Stay Out
I feel like this is a sign we should hang on our door right now... like we need to be quarantined. Have you seen the episode of Raising Hope where Maw Maw's germ infested self was revealed under the black light? Well if you did, that's our house right now, so I would stay away. Some days I wish we could put our family in a bubble, both to protect ourselves from others and to protect others from us.
There are two distinct schools of thought on germs. The first is that we should be super cleaning to avoid contact with germs at all, and the second is that we should keep exposing ourselves to these microscopic organisms in hopes of developing a super immune system. I'd like to think we'd fall somewhere in the middle. Anyone who's seen our house knows we are not the super clean kind, but I most certainly don't go in search of a bug to increase our immune responses.
One of the difficulties we face as a family of 6 is that when we get sick, it's a friggen long ordeal. As a single person, you get sick, you take the day or two off you need. You sleep it all away and feel good as new 2 days later. As a mother or father of 4, you watch it go through each of your children - usually one at time, doting on their every need for days on end. Inevitably, you awake one day and find yourself suffering from the same symptoms you know and despise. You make every effort possible to make sure everyone washes their hands. You sanitize laundry every day. You wipe down surfaces that may have been touched. You make sure you only touch what you absolutely have to, all the while being sure to give all the cuddles and hugs necessary to make your children feel taken care of and loved. All that, and it STILL goes through everyone, and you STILL end up getting sick. It sucks and I'm tired, and I really don't want to puke again. Will someone come take care of me?
Really though, I realize getting sick is inevitable. We all get flus and colds. I make certain that when my family is sick I limit contact with others so as not to spread the viruses and bacteria that knock us down so hard. I don't expect others to stop living their lives because they are sick, I just wish we could stick a damn bubble over our friggen house sometimes. Today is one of those days.
Oh dear.
There are two distinct schools of thought on germs. The first is that we should be super cleaning to avoid contact with germs at all, and the second is that we should keep exposing ourselves to these microscopic organisms in hopes of developing a super immune system. I'd like to think we'd fall somewhere in the middle. Anyone who's seen our house knows we are not the super clean kind, but I most certainly don't go in search of a bug to increase our immune responses.
One of the difficulties we face as a family of 6 is that when we get sick, it's a friggen long ordeal. As a single person, you get sick, you take the day or two off you need. You sleep it all away and feel good as new 2 days later. As a mother or father of 4, you watch it go through each of your children - usually one at time, doting on their every need for days on end. Inevitably, you awake one day and find yourself suffering from the same symptoms you know and despise. You make every effort possible to make sure everyone washes their hands. You sanitize laundry every day. You wipe down surfaces that may have been touched. You make sure you only touch what you absolutely have to, all the while being sure to give all the cuddles and hugs necessary to make your children feel taken care of and loved. All that, and it STILL goes through everyone, and you STILL end up getting sick. It sucks and I'm tired, and I really don't want to puke again. Will someone come take care of me?
Really though, I realize getting sick is inevitable. We all get flus and colds. I make certain that when my family is sick I limit contact with others so as not to spread the viruses and bacteria that knock us down so hard. I don't expect others to stop living their lives because they are sick, I just wish we could stick a damn bubble over our friggen house sometimes. Today is one of those days.
Oh dear.
Tuesday 5 April 2011
Working Mama
I go back to work officially in 4.5 weeks... May 9th to be exact, but I mosied on into the office today (at a ripe 10:15!) and stayed a staggering 8 hours before leaving at 6:15. I'm tired, but not the physically, I've been up with the baby since 6 this morning kind of tired. It's the I'm excited about what's to come kind of tired. BIG DIFFERENCE!
Those of you who know me well know that I love my job. Most of you know the position I was in 3 years ago, searching for the job that fit me after leaving a job that I hated but was qualified to do. My schooling gave me a diploma in CAD/CAM Engineering Technology (really long name for someone who uses computers to help design and draft), but my passion lies in programming. I've always loved math, and programming is like one giant math equation solving one giant problem. I'm grinning from ear to ear as I write it, it makes me that happy...
I've had a position change within work, and when I return, I'm on to strictly IT and Programming. No more structural design unless there is a dire need. Some of you are probably shuddering at the thought, but I'm not. I'm more excited than ever. The company I work for is so fantastic that they created this position to suite my wants, desires, and, hopefully, innate talent. I just hope I can return this "favor" with a decent program to use :).
That being said, I'm soooo going to miss my babies (yes, they are ALL babies!). It was so tough leaving the house today knowing I wasn't going to see them for almost 10 whole hours (factoring in the drive), but at least I got to spend 3 precious hours with them before heading off at 9. I thought of them periodically throughout the day, managed to engage everyone I spoke to in a conversation about diapers (yes - every one!), said the word poop at least 10 times, and managed to find and print out a new side snapping diaper pattern (sorry ENGCOMP - I used a couple of pieces of paper ;)). It's going to be a big adjustment, but I know it's for the best. Being a mom and working requires a tough balance to be found, but I know we'll figure it out - we always have, and I think we are all better for it.
Those of you who know me well know that I love my job. Most of you know the position I was in 3 years ago, searching for the job that fit me after leaving a job that I hated but was qualified to do. My schooling gave me a diploma in CAD/CAM Engineering Technology (really long name for someone who uses computers to help design and draft), but my passion lies in programming. I've always loved math, and programming is like one giant math equation solving one giant problem. I'm grinning from ear to ear as I write it, it makes me that happy...
I've had a position change within work, and when I return, I'm on to strictly IT and Programming. No more structural design unless there is a dire need. Some of you are probably shuddering at the thought, but I'm not. I'm more excited than ever. The company I work for is so fantastic that they created this position to suite my wants, desires, and, hopefully, innate talent. I just hope I can return this "favor" with a decent program to use :).
That being said, I'm soooo going to miss my babies (yes, they are ALL babies!). It was so tough leaving the house today knowing I wasn't going to see them for almost 10 whole hours (factoring in the drive), but at least I got to spend 3 precious hours with them before heading off at 9. I thought of them periodically throughout the day, managed to engage everyone I spoke to in a conversation about diapers (yes - every one!), said the word poop at least 10 times, and managed to find and print out a new side snapping diaper pattern (sorry ENGCOMP - I used a couple of pieces of paper ;)). It's going to be a big adjustment, but I know it's for the best. Being a mom and working requires a tough balance to be found, but I know we'll figure it out - we always have, and I think we are all better for it.
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