Butterflies, Lights, and Rainbows

From the time I was a little girl right up until the time that my mom passed, Mom and I had many spiritual discussions.  Mom believed a lot in reincarnation, karma, and the like.  Discussions revolved a lot about our sense of timing and listening to our guts... about how sometimes they are dead wringer on and sometimes they are completely off. 

We discussed, at length in the years before her death, how she would come back and give me signs after she passed.  She would appear as butterflies and she would give me signals and lights to show her existence.  When I was a child, she followed a light to above my bed.  After her dad passed, she found pennies to think of him.  At the time, I thought I didn't want her to show me these things.  I didn't want to see lights and butterflies and rainbows.  I didn't want to connect with the spiritual world for fear of what I might find.

I saw many lights and felt many things the night she died.  I was absolutely terrified and, to be honest, did not sleep a wink of sleep the first 48 hours.  I've now learned it is a normal part of losing a loved one and being there for their death; to me she was showing her spiritual self to me and trying to comfort me and I was having nothing to do with it.

Now I would give anything to see her. 

Last night I had a dream - a semi continuance from the last one I had of her.  My last dream was vague when I woke up, but I do remember her coming off a plane to visit and being unhappy to be forced to come from her place of origin (wherever that was). 

Last night, I dreamt I brought her for a visit from her house where she had nestled down and settled into.  When she arrived, I helped her into a rocker recliner I had.  It was very difficult to get her positioned in the chair, and in the end she was so weak she could barely talk.  I pulled a chair up beside her and started to talk... and then bawl.

"I miss you so much....," I bawled on and on.  She was weak but resolute.  Her eyes met mine and there was... nothing.  They were empty and hollow, and the pain from that glance hurt almost as much as losing her that night.  She was gone and could I blame her???  I brought her back from whatever spiritual resolution she found to a place of sadness, weakness and despair. 

My feelings of disconnect have never been so overwhelming.  I want my butterflies, and lights and rainbows.  I yearn for her comfort.  I keep thinking this isn't the way this is supposed to go... this isn't what we talked about.

Please tell me it was just a dream...