So what happens when a blogger wants to spew virtual words but has no idea how to properly articulate what she feels? The blogger becomes a blithering idiot. That idiot is me tonight.
I find I can't sleep well at night these days. I have a lot on my mind, and it's really stuff I can't control. Things that take me in endless circles of thought where no resolution is found. I'm left wondering. I'm left anxious. I feel a general uneasiness.
I am a country girl. It will forever be in my heart, and is gradually becoming the forefront of my mind. I want nothing more than to buy my acreage and spend my days in my quiet retreat nestled away in my little bit of heaven.
I grew up with early mornings and early bedtimes. My days involved cyclical feeding, watering, and physical checkovers. I built fences, dug post holes by hand, mended buildings, doctored wounds, analyzed and reanalyzed physical and psychological goals for my animals, planted pastures, and filled gopher holes. I was out in the minus 40 and the plus 35. I had a stunning farmer's tan, dirt engrained nails, and from the color of my neck you would think I was native. I had happy moments and sad moments, but somehow the blood, sweat and tears felt like every minute was a minute well spent.
I'm sorry if you don't understand this. I am just a simple girl with a love for the simple things. I don't like having neighbours. I don't like hearing vehicles. I don't want to confine my dogs to a backyard or have to worry about the boy with a knife at the park. I don't want to be within walking distance of a Walmart or biking distance of work.
I want my kids to play in hay stacks, build tree forts in the bush, and explore the property armed with only their imaginations. I want them to clean out corrals and learn the fundamental basics of keeping an animal alive and healthy. I want them to learn where their food comes from and what it takes to cultivate and grow it.
I can sit and I can wait for this to happen, but I'm not getting any younger... and neither are my children. Aurora and Denali are already past the age I was when we moved to the acreage. Reno has 3 more years in his term as mayor, and we'd both like for him to finish his term. That's 3 whole years though... Aurora will be 14!
I'm to the point in my life where I feel like I need to step back and re-evaluate where I'm going and what I am doing. I love my job, so that isn't going anywhere... it's more what I do in the time I spend at home that doesn't seem to align with my values and goals.
I'm not teaching my children anything. They are going to school, doing the few chores they need to, and then filling the remainder of their time with video games, TV, lego and the occasional friend playtime. I know the only person to blame is myself. I haven't taught them anything else. I haven't taken the time. To be honest, I feel a little lost like I wouldn't know where to start with the resources I have available at my disposal, although that's still no excuse. There are values and morals that are taught on farms. There are life cycles observed, and real-time restrictions. There are no I'll-do-it-later's. This I know.
I'm sure you can tell by now this is important to me, but obviously we are in a bit of a pickle... and thus the endless cycles begin and the evaluating and re-evaluating of our needs and wants is done. Ultimately only time will tell and we can only hope that we will know the right decision to be made when it comes....
Until then,
Idiot out.
LOL I didn't know we needed to be articulate when we blog!! I'm so screwed. I completely agree about growing up on the farm. There are things that Ally will never possibly understand, like the sense of accomplishment from learning how to tube feed a lamb, back a half ton into a barn so narrow you can barely get out of the truck, herd 500 sheep every night after school with dogs and trucks because you don't have enough pasture land that is fenced to let them out into.
ReplyDeleteI watched puppies, kittens, piglets, calves, foals and lamb being born and helped to raise them. 'That was amazing!
Our garden was about 3500sq feet and when you can pick numerous 5 gallon pails of peas, hundreds of pounds of potatoes and carrots each and never have to eat anything but fresh vegetables all summer...now that is living.
Nothing will replace the hours of exploring in the bush or quadding in the fields. I also understand the sadness you feel knowing that your children are missing out on it. Sadly alot of todays kids will never know the freedom we did. Buy the acreage as soon as you can. I know it will be the right move for your family.