Have a Little Faith

My alarm goes off for the third time.  The snooze button is hit once again, and I open my eyes.  I can hear little feet walking around the house and I know it's time to get up.  Getting out of bed feels like a feat in and of itself.  Slowly I inch my way to sitting position, and my heart sinks. 

It's another day.

It's another day that I don't want to do.  For the first time in YEARS, I don't want to go to work... ever.  Every single day I wake up and think I should call in sick.  It's November 4th, and I have 0 sick hours remaining.  It's not the work I don't want to do.  It's not the environment I don't want to be in.  It's the physical, mental and emotional exhaustion that I don't want to experience, and it starts with the freaking alarm clock.

My personal life is filled with it's own set of road closures and diversions.  I'm in a persistent state of feeling like a failure, just barely keeping my head above the water.  I'm surrounded by half finished projects, dishes to be done, floors to be mopped, and clothes to be folded.  My mind is preoccupied with dreams of an acreage to call home, being overshadowed with financial doubts.  Materialistic possessions like new vehicles bring more burden then joy.  Resurrected hobbies like riding are laden with guilt for taking away time to spend with the family.  I check out more than I check in with the kids.  I worry about others trapped in abusive relationships, and ride the roller coaster with them.  Little bits of hope shine through and my heart leaps for joy, but as always, are smashed to bits as the cycle begins once again.  I'm caught up in it all, and I'm desperate to just breath.

And then there's nothing left of me.  Just someone who knows exactly what she wants, but has absolutely no way of achieving that.  I feel a little like I'm slowly turning inside out as the only viable solution I can think of is to work harder or faster or more, and quite honestly I have nothing left to give.  I need an extended holiday from my own life... only thing is - everyone needs me.

I've always been a woman of science, with the great big world of faith out of reach.  I always felt things were so black and white, cut and dry.  I could envision where I wanted to go, calculate how I wanted to get there, and most of the time executed the strategy.  I never felt like the equations were too big for my mind to compute... never too many variables that I couldn't end up solving for X.

I'm not sure if this is the natural progression in life, or if this is just circumstantial, but I can't solve for X anymore.  There are multiple answers and none the "right" choice.  I only get one iteration to get this right.  I keep begging for a "redo" option on days, but to no avail.  Poor choices of my own and of others are having big consequences and are rippling down my lifelines.

This is the point where I need to abandon my hard and fast rules and science.  I have to believe in something I can't see, because what I can see is exhausting.   

I need to have a little faith.