I have a problem. A deep-seated emotional issue rooted in my own lack of confidence. I feel the need to assist and please those around me. I feel the need to feel needed.
My mother always said I attracted "cling-ons". Not the Star Trek, funky speaking folk, but the people who desperately needed someone to listen to them and their problems. It was a role I could easily fill. I like to listen. I like to hold hands. I like to take the time to make someone feel better. Unfortunately, that need is typically never fully fulfilled for them, and they repeatedly come back for the same kind of guidance. In my time of need, however, they flake out. Scatter like ashes from the fire that suddenly fizzled and I am left standing in the cold... once again all alone. I'm also a loyalist, meaning I always forgive. I almost always allow that cycle to return because one day it might all be better... and in the meantime they still need me.
Aurora and I were walking around Home Depot yesterday purchasing a new dryer vent cover for outside. I was looking around at all the different supplies I could buy to further the visual appeal of our house, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Almost all of the work... the last 5 months of my evenings, weekends and spare time has been geared towards making someone else happy. Knowing a sale was in our future, I attempted to completely change the décor of our house to meet what I felt a prospective buyer would like. I slaved for hours... HOURS every single night after work. Granted, there will be a payoff (hopefully) in the end, I fear I toiled away for all the wrong reasons.
Whomever finally comes out and looks at this beautiful house will probably have seen the same potential it had when the walls were a pinky brown as they will now as a crème. They probably would still have bought it with the minor nicks and scrapes, and with the baseboard-less basement. They would have looked past the lack of a dimmer light downstairs and put up with the fixtures. In my mind, however, I had built up this house like I always feel the need to build up everyone around me. It cost me money, time and energy I didn't have to give. "Don't burn yourself out," my boss said. "I won't!" I replied. "Why don't I believe you...." he trailed off.
And now, as the house sits without more than an inquiry or two, I'm feeling a little like the woman who so desperately wants to conceive, watching all those around her rejoicing in a birth. I'm jealous and resentful and feeling like all the work and time and energy (and money) just got sucked into the giant vacuum of life. I am in my hour of need and I have nothing left to give myself.
There are a handful of people in my life I feel comfortable enough with to dump all of my trials and tribulations onto. Only a handful I trust to help me build myself back up. I apologize to those (you know who you are) because I don't want to be your "cling-on".
I want to feel confident enough in myself not to need to constantly feel needed. I want to say no. I want to say I can't help you. I want you to - just once - join me in my life, instead of always joining yours.
I know that I am not perfect, but I believe I'm worth the investment.
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