Over time, my sadness turned into relief as my only girl turned into a drama queen. The amount of time she spent being upset and dramatic over everything made me feel so incredibly drained. Gradually, she leveled out a little, and the boys began to frustrate me with their wrestling and fighting, tipping the scales back to being a little sad that I wasn't having another girl. After G was born, the sadness disappeared, and I'm so happy that he is who he is. He fills my heart with so much happiness.
Now that Aurora is approaching the preteen years, I'm becoming more and more insecure about raising a girl. I have always, always been insecure in my own physical attributes. I've hidden behind my intellectual ability and stayed there. I look at other women in envy, and am thankful that my occupation puts me among more men than women. I've often pitied Reno for having to be stuck with me. It's the ugly truth - I hate my body and I really don't like what carrying 4 children in my body has done to me. Unfortunately, it's a vicious cycle of I don't think I look good, so why bother trying, which just makes me feel worse.
My mother raised me telling me I was beautiful, and it always felt heartfelt. I really wanted to believe her, but everywhere I looked, there was this idealistic person that looked nothing like me. I could find something to envy in just about anyone - hair, body, skin, clothes, etc. I had dry, breaking hair. I had acne ridden skin. I was too tall. BUT, I was smart and I was artistic. The popular people didn't even acknowledge me unless it was to pick my brain. I was largely unrecognized, and while I thrived on hiding, I longed to belong.
I resent the world for the pressures I felt. I hate the constant barrage of commercials with super attractive scantily clad women in it. I hate that the pop music my daughter will likely grow up listening is full of lyrics that objectify women. I know it sounds like one giant cliche saying all of this, but society is set up to cause women to spend their entire lives struggling to accept who they are.
So I've dumped the blame on society - that's fine. However, I have to raise my daughter to be a confident young woman. I have to take ownership for how I feel. I have to make that change within myself so that I can raise her to do the same. I don't know if she will share in the same struggles I did. She's very strong academically, and reminds me of myself in so many ways. Right now, she believes she is beautiful (as she should - she is gorgeous :)), but I really hope she can maintain that confidence.
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This is an excellent post - You raise many concerns that I have regarding raising a daughter. I guess all we can do as parents is to do our best to educate and enlighten them.
ReplyDeleteI felt a lot like you growing up, and also had a very supportive mother. She taught me that it was important to be yourself, in spite of dealing with the sheep out there who would attack you. So I was the "odd" one, but I rarely thought poorly of myself, and never sought to be "popular". I hope that I can do the same for Elayne.