"Yes, Sir!"

Let me preface this post by saying that this isn't directed at any one particular person.  If you are feeling like this is a direct attack on you, please don't take it this way.  This blog is my voice (not Reno's) - a place where I get to be this alter ego that resides within.  A lot of time, this stuff builds up and when it releases, it's a bit of a bomb.  Unfortunately, I can't predict where the bomb will hit a nerve, and for that reason, I hope you can all read this with a grain of salt.  Punch me back all you want, but I need to get this off my chest.

I'm not a confrontational person.  Reno always says I say sorry way too many times in a day. I feel guilty when I can't make people happy.  I'm much more of a "Yes, sir!" kind of gal.  This may or may not come as a surprise to you, but often the enthusiasm behind the yes is really lacking, and what I REALLY want to say is NO.  I am a mother of 4 children.  I cannot count on all of the digits of my appendages how many times in a day something is requested of me.  These 4 children have needs that I simply can't say no to.  I HAVE to feed them.  I HAVE to provide for them.  I HAVE to make sure they have clean clothes.  I HAVE to make them feel loved and secure.  This is not at all saying that Reno does not do his share of the work in providing for them.  He most absolutely does, but even with both of us here nearly 24/7, it still doesn't always feel like we can meet all of the expectations that have been put upon us.  I know, I know - you are thinking that this was our choice.  We chose to have this many children... You are right, we did make this choice.  We made it knowing full well how much work they are, how much attention they need and how your day/night is never really over and the worry never stops...  but it doesn't mean I'm not tired.  It doesn't change the fact that I'm not always up to the challenges put in place by others around me. 

On any given day, I take very little for myself.  I don't do my hair or my makeup.  My nails are chewed so short they sometimes hurt.  My clothes are re-worn and dirty and not at all fashionable.  I managed to find something that I absolutely LOVE doing that also to fills a need of Graysen's.  I make cloth diapers.  I'm going to start making them for others.  Not for the money, but for me.   I do it for a creative release and a little me time, and I'm not going to give that up.  I deserve to have something that makes me happy just as much as you do.

I return to work in 2 weeks.... 2 weeks!  I'm excited and nervous at the same time.  Work will have its own set of challenges and requests.  It's obvious that those - like the kids - are more of the "Yes, sir!" kind of response.  It's going to be an adjustment going back.  Factoring in the 1.5 hours of daily commute on top of an 8 hour work day is going to mean I'm even MORE tired and unwilling to bend over backwards for others. 

It's going to mean I have to say no, and it's probably going to be to you.

It doesn't mean I don't like you (or love you if you are family :)).  It doesn't mean that I value certain things over you.  It doesn't mean I don't respect you enough to consider your request.  It means that after much thought and consideration, I just don't have enough to give what you are asking....

And I'm not going to feel guilty about it.