Motivation

I've started about a bigillion posts in the last couple of weeks months, but this one, I'm bound and determined to finish.

I'm participating in a Walk for the Cure in Saskatoon on October 2nd.  I've posted numerous times on Facebook and only have 2 VERY generous donations.  That's it.  I'm thinking maybe I just need to provide more motivation.  Maybe I need to go door to door.  Maybe I need to pledge to run it instead of walk.  Maybe I just need to tell the story.

My mother is a very strong and courageous woman.  She's one of the kindest and most giving people I have ever known in my life, and yet she's had to go through more shit than anyone should ever have to.  I'm not going to apologize for the language.  To call it anything less than that would be an understatement.

My mother is my best friend, and I will be her biggest advocate.  To be completely honest, she hasn't the foggiest clue I'm doing this for her.

For years while I was growing up, mom complained about being in pain.  Pain in her joints.  Pain in  her body.  No doctors could ever help her.  She repeatedly visited family doctors; switched doctors, and left doctors.  Not once did they have an answer for her that they divulged.  Come to find out all too late that one doctor did.  One doctor knew that she had a disease that was killing her liver.  That one doctor never told her.

In 2001/2002, she was officially diagnosed with both diabetes and liver disease... severe liver disease.  In 2002, she unsuccessfully underwent an experimental treatment for the liver disease.  They said she had 6 months or so to live.  She's gone through numerous treatments, management plans, changes in lifestyle, etc. to keep on living.  She's a fighter, thru and thru, and today she still lives!  It's amazing, and a blessing, but we are all aware that things can take a turn for the worst at any time, and it did.

Suddenly, in 2010, she began to lose massive amounts of weight.  We all knew the liver disease was taking a toll on her.  We all knew the diabetes was causing problems. BUT we all knew there was something else that was wrong. 

And we were right.

In the spring of 2011, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. 

Fortunately for my mother, the type of cancer she has/had is usually of the non-metastasizing type, meaning it usually doesn't spread.  It does, however, grow at a very fast rate.  This particular type of cancer is not treatable through chemo or radiation, but is through surgery.  Shortly after receiving the diagnosis, she was under the knife.

Talking to her following the surgery, she kept saying she could "feel" it was still there.  She *knew* they didn't get it all.  Secretly, I brushed it off.  Thought they knew what they were doing... thought she couldn't feel that.  Unfortunately for my mother, the surgeons did not take all of the cancerous tissue out.  The margins surrounding the tumor removed still contained cancerous tissue.  It's a wait and watch.  Not sure what we are waiting for... not sure what we are watching for, but we are pretty sure someday we'll see.  She continues to lose the weight and is increasingly weaker.

I look at my mother these days, and I don't see the same woman.  She was always very vibrant looking.  Bright, big blue eyes; full flushed red cheeks.  So beautiful.  Today, she's so frail and thin, pale and weak.  Still beautiful, as always, but you look in her eyes and you see she is hurting.  I used to get lost in her arms when she would hug me.  Now I'm afraid to hug too hard.  She sleeps probably 16 hours a day, and has difficulty managing solid food.  She's in constant pain.

What are the odds that someone facing impossible odds at surviving life would be dealt a devastating blow of breast cancer? Apparently just the same as you or I... 1 in 4.  I, now having it in my family history, have a higher rate than that.  So does my daughter, Aurora.

There are many times she's contemplated giving up the fight and never did. I'm not sure what keeps her going, but somewhere in there is a determination that I wish you could harness. Maybe somewhere in there is a little hope too.

This isn't an attempt at a sob story.  This is my mother's life.  A life that rests in the hands of the medical community on a daily basis.  We know that curing breast cancer will not save her life, but we also know it could prolong it.  Be aware that your story could be mine, or my mothers... 1 in 4 is a staggering statistic.  Every penny that you donate goes to finding a cure and a treatment - even better yet - a method of prevention.

Please, please donate... even $5.  It all adds up. http://www.runforthecure.com/site/TR/RunfortheCure2012/PrairiesNWT?px=1884672&pg=personal&fr_id=1299

And in case you need to put a face to the name, here she is (taken in summer 2010).

MY mother. 

If you read this, love you mom.

A Whole Lot of Updates

I'm going to be writing an update for everyone in the family this weekend, so stay tuned!  I'd do it all tonight, but I think sleep is a bit more deserving of my time ;)

Little Grabby Hands Back Snapping Testers

I'm working on a back snapping pattern (calling it Little Grabby Hands).  It's only for sizes medium and large considering there's no point to having them out of reach when babies are young.  It will be free for public use after the testing phase is complete, but I am looking for testers at the moment.  I may consider doing an XL pattern if the need arises.

If you are interested, please forward me your email to mictherr at gmail dot com and I'll get it out to you.

Every day

I apologize in advance for all the touchy, feely, philosophical posts as of late, but today I'm only going to add to them.  Today is weighing heavily on my heart.

As I travelled to work this morning, I was late.  Eloic had been up throwing up all night, and although I was sleeping in the bedroom and Reno was up with him, I didn't sleep well.  I hit the snooze 2 or 3 or 4 times - I don't really remember - until finally, I begrudgingly got off my sorry butt and had a wake up shower.  I felt terrible leaving Reno with the kids since the boys were sick, but I knew I didn't have much of a choice.  I had to go to work.

Already late, I sped off to work.  Rounding the corner near Waldheim, I notice a sprayer parked on one side of the road, and a black car parked directly across from it.  There wasn't enough room to fit two vehicles between them on the highway, so seeing an oncoming truck I stopped behind the black car.  I was annoyed that I had to stop.  I didn't understand why they didn't at least stagger themselves on the highway to avoid this problem.  Why couldn't they be considerate enough?  Why did they have to slow me down on my already long commute?

Angrily, I got right back on track.  As I approached Waldheim, a fire truck sped on down hwy 312.  I briefly wondered if the fire truck was headed to the sprayer and car, but quickly brushed it off.  After all, there was no fire.  I thought nothing of the fire if there was one.  Reno was on the volunteer fire department for Laird for a couple of years.  Most of the fires were grass fires.  Most of the fires were benign.

My big concern when I got to work was to get in contact with Reno so I could find out how the boys were doing.  Finally we made contact, and what I found out shook my whole day.  That sprayer and car parked on the side of the road... those people who put such a kink in my morning commute... those people whom I was so angry with... those people were trying to save a life.

Our neighbor; a husband, father and grandfather; a leader in the church; the mayor of our village died tragically as I drove on by.  Leaving the highway, crossing oncoming traffic, crossing a ditch and field, Gordon Nesdoly crashed his vehicle into a man made dugout and died minutes before I drove on by.  Oblivious, in my own world, I drove on by.

I have about a billion questions that will never be answered.  What if I had stopped?  Could I have helped?  What if I hadn't been in such a rush?  What if I had been just 5 minutes earlier?  Truth be told, these are selfish questions.  I'm asking them to sooth my own soul.  Gord is gone.  I can't bring him back... nobody can bring him back.  The events of today would have happened regardless of whether I was there or not.  It doesn't change the way I feel though, and it's most definitely made me more appreciative of what I do have.

I drive that commute nearly every day.  I kiss my husband, tell him I love him and walk out that door almost every day.  I pass farms and fields, familiar vehicles, landscapes and roadways, with music cranked to keep me awake every day. 

Now I'm going to take my time a little more in my driving.  I'm going to spend a couple more minutes with family before heading out on the road.  I'm going to marvel at the beautiful landscapes and sunrises, and note the subtle curves and imperfections in the roadways.  I'm going to engulf myself in the silence of the morning. 

...Every day.

The good parent

Denali gave me a poem for Mother's Day.  The poem read:

Sometimes you get discouraged
Because I am so small
And always leave my fingerprints

On furniture and walls.

But every day I'm growing
I'll be grown up some day
And all those tiny handprints

Will surely fade away.

So here's a special handprint
Just so you can recall
Exactly how my fingers looked
When I was very small. 

I bawled.

Not because I thought it was sweet or endearing.  Not because it was so absolutely adorable (it really is!).  I cried like a blubbering idiot because I look at those handprints and already see the time that has blown by.  They aren't tiny.  They aren't the squishy little pudgy baby hands of my 6 month old.  They are the long, lean strong hands of my 7 year old.  A respectable, fantastically well behaved boy who I am proud to call my son.  So, I ask, why am I so sad to recollect the last almost 8 years of my life?

I think it's a lot of factors - all rolled into one.   Reno and I met in college.  I quit in my second year of Animal Health Technology and became pregnant pretty quickly into our relationship.  We had no money to spare.  We lived in a small apartment, lived on $50/week for food.  Aurora and Denali were both born while Reno finished up a diploma and a certificate course, and I worked an office position at a pet store.  I knew what I wanted to do with my/our lives, and Reno supported me all along.  Together we toted our belongings and two small children through 3 different cities/towns, living on meager student loans, government funding, and minuscule wages.  In the end of our schooling journey, I had my career, we bought our first house in a fantastic community - things were really on track!

But WAIT - we were expecting another child!  We knew we wanted more children, and while the timing wasn't the best, he was still a welcomed blessing :)

You have to realize reading this that anything we did as a parent with Aurora and Denali was really born out of necessity.  We simply didn't have the money or the ability to make a lot of decisions that a parent usually gets to make.  A lot of things we did a certain way because financially, we didn't have another option.  Space wise, we didn't have another option.  Energy wise, we didn't have another option.  We lived the way we had to, and we took each day as it came.  I'm proud of what we went through to make it where we are today, but that doesn't mean I don't look back and WISH it could have been different.

With Eloic, we had the freedom to make choices.  One of the choices we made was for me to be the one working and providing wages, and Reno was to stay home with the kids.  It's not a traditional choice, by any stretch, but it's one that works for us.  Do I wish it was the other way around?  In some ways, yes - in most ways, no.

Why yes?  A large part of me feels like a failure.  Why do I feel that way?  Our children have everything they need... they have food on the table, a roof over their heads, clothes on their backs, parents in a healthy and loving relationship, parents who love them and take care of them,  a mom who would rather be at work than home with her kids.... WAIT... say what?  Well, no - that statement is not entirely true, but is that they way they are going to feel?

I love my children more than anything in the world... ANYTHING.  While I thought that working and doing whatever we had to do to keep the family going was because we HAD to, little did I know, it would actually be a choice.  The real problem is that I want to do it all.  I want to stay home and be with my family.  I want to be there to kiss boo boos and send them off to school.  I want to be there to show them how much I love and care for them.  I also want to develop a career.  I want to use my brain to solve complex programming problems.  I want to walk in to my place of work with my head held high and know that I do a good job.  Unfortunately, it just doesn't feel like there are enough hours in the day. 

I can't be there for it all, and I feel like a failure for it.

I look back on all those years and see missed moments.  I look at pictures and weep.  Those chubby little cheeks and infectious smiles are gone.  The hugs and kisses and endless cuddles are fading. 

My babies are growing up, and if feels like they are doing it without me.

"Yes, Sir!"

Let me preface this post by saying that this isn't directed at any one particular person.  If you are feeling like this is a direct attack on you, please don't take it this way.  This blog is my voice (not Reno's) - a place where I get to be this alter ego that resides within.  A lot of time, this stuff builds up and when it releases, it's a bit of a bomb.  Unfortunately, I can't predict where the bomb will hit a nerve, and for that reason, I hope you can all read this with a grain of salt.  Punch me back all you want, but I need to get this off my chest.

I'm not a confrontational person.  Reno always says I say sorry way too many times in a day. I feel guilty when I can't make people happy.  I'm much more of a "Yes, sir!" kind of gal.  This may or may not come as a surprise to you, but often the enthusiasm behind the yes is really lacking, and what I REALLY want to say is NO.  I am a mother of 4 children.  I cannot count on all of the digits of my appendages how many times in a day something is requested of me.  These 4 children have needs that I simply can't say no to.  I HAVE to feed them.  I HAVE to provide for them.  I HAVE to make sure they have clean clothes.  I HAVE to make them feel loved and secure.  This is not at all saying that Reno does not do his share of the work in providing for them.  He most absolutely does, but even with both of us here nearly 24/7, it still doesn't always feel like we can meet all of the expectations that have been put upon us.  I know, I know - you are thinking that this was our choice.  We chose to have this many children... You are right, we did make this choice.  We made it knowing full well how much work they are, how much attention they need and how your day/night is never really over and the worry never stops...  but it doesn't mean I'm not tired.  It doesn't change the fact that I'm not always up to the challenges put in place by others around me. 

On any given day, I take very little for myself.  I don't do my hair or my makeup.  My nails are chewed so short they sometimes hurt.  My clothes are re-worn and dirty and not at all fashionable.  I managed to find something that I absolutely LOVE doing that also to fills a need of Graysen's.  I make cloth diapers.  I'm going to start making them for others.  Not for the money, but for me.   I do it for a creative release and a little me time, and I'm not going to give that up.  I deserve to have something that makes me happy just as much as you do.

I return to work in 2 weeks.... 2 weeks!  I'm excited and nervous at the same time.  Work will have its own set of challenges and requests.  It's obvious that those - like the kids - are more of the "Yes, sir!" kind of response.  It's going to be an adjustment going back.  Factoring in the 1.5 hours of daily commute on top of an 8 hour work day is going to mean I'm even MORE tired and unwilling to bend over backwards for others. 

It's going to mean I have to say no, and it's probably going to be to you.

It doesn't mean I don't like you (or love you if you are family :)).  It doesn't mean that I value certain things over you.  It doesn't mean I don't respect you enough to consider your request.  It means that after much thought and consideration, I just don't have enough to give what you are asking....

And I'm not going to feel guilty about it.

Raising Girls

When I became pregnant with Graysen, I was secretly hoping that I would have another girl.  I wanted to balance out the whole boy/girl ratio, and I really, really wanted to give Aurora that baby sister that she wanted at the time.  I remember when I found out that I was having another boy I felt a pang of sadness.  This was my last baby and my last chance to have that girl I was hoping for.


Over time, my sadness turned into relief as my only girl turned into a drama queen.  The amount of time she spent being upset and dramatic over everything made me feel so incredibly drained.  Gradually, she leveled out a little, and the boys began to frustrate me with their wrestling and fighting, tipping the scales back to being a little sad that I wasn't having another girl.   After G was born, the sadness disappeared, and I'm so happy that he is who he is.  He fills my heart with so much happiness.


Now that Aurora is approaching the preteen years, I'm becoming more and more insecure about raising a girl.  I have always, always been insecure in my own physical attributes.  I've hidden behind my intellectual ability and stayed there.  I look at other women in envy, and am thankful that my occupation puts me among more men than women.   I've often pitied Reno for having to be stuck with me.  It's the ugly truth - I hate my body and I really don't like what carrying 4 children in my body has done to me.  Unfortunately, it's a vicious cycle of I don't think I look good, so why bother trying, which just makes me feel worse.


My mother raised me telling me I was beautiful, and it always felt heartfelt.  I really wanted to believe her, but everywhere I looked, there was this idealistic person that looked nothing like me.  I could find something to envy in just about anyone - hair, body, skin, clothes, etc.  I had dry, breaking hair.  I had acne ridden skin.  I was too tall.  BUT, I was smart and I was artistic.  The popular people didn't even acknowledge me unless it was to pick my brain.  I was largely unrecognized, and while I thrived on hiding, I longed to belong.


I resent the world for the pressures I felt.  I hate the constant barrage of commercials with super attractive scantily clad women in it.  I hate that the pop music my daughter will likely grow up listening is full of lyrics that objectify women.  I know it sounds like one giant cliche saying all of this, but society is set up to cause women to spend their entire lives struggling to accept who they are. 

So I've dumped the blame on society - that's fine.  However, I have to raise my daughter to be a confident young woman.  I have to take ownership for how I feel.  I have to make that change within myself so that I can raise her to do the same.  I don't know if she will share in the same struggles I did.  She's very strong academically, and reminds me of myself in so many ways.  Right now, she believes she is beautiful (as she should - she is gorgeous :)), but I really hope she can maintain that confidence.

Drama Queen

This is going to be as much a growing experience for me as it is for her....

The Perfect Day for it

I was sitting on the deck this morning, still reeling from yesterdays events (everyone ended up getting the stomach flu and we came this close to taking Eloic in to the ER for dehydration), and feeling sorry for myself.  I kept thinking about how this year off on maternity leave was supposed to be this magical experience having the whole family together for a whole year.  How we were supposed to be able to spend endless hours outside in the sun.  We were supposed to enjoy being able to go anywhere on a whim - any time.  Reno and I were supposed to be able to spend nights staying out late playing cards with our close neighbor friends.  Well, if you can tell by all of the supposed statements, that just never happened.  It was really the overstatement of my life - suggesting this year off was going to be such an enjoyable experience, and here I am sitting nearly 1 year later, and I haven't done any of those things.  Yet there I sat, on a peaceful morning of a beautiful day drinking my coffee uninterrupted.  Of course, it didn't feel like such a peaceful experience when my mind was full of such negative thoughts.  I decided to leave my quiet spot to head inside... disinfection of the house after the disastrous few days before was necessary.  I justified this move by thinking it was cold and lonely outside, but really, I just didn't want to be alone with my thoughts.

We disinfected all the bathrooms and surfaces, mopped floors, did laundry and caught up on dishes.  Graysen woke up and ate lunch. With all the kids sitting on the couch watching some thoughtless TV, we decided we needed to get out of the house.  We packed up G in the stroller and off we walked to the store.  We let the kids pick their own package of Jello as the nurse recommended it on Healthline as a healthy and easy on the stomach food.

By this time I was starting to feel a lot better about my day - amazing what the power of sunlight can do!  We came back home and the kids played outside.  I rocked with Graysen on the swing and he was looking mighty sleepy.  I brought him in, and after a peaceful nurse, he went down for a nap.  Reno and I cooked a nice supper while the kids made a fort in the living room out of chairs and a large blanket.  Graysen got up from his nap and freaked out with excitement over the massive fort.  So awesome to see his face light up like that.

After supper, we headed out on a small bike ride.  The two little ones were together in the bike trailer with Reno pulling them, Aurora and Denali on their bikes, and me on my bike.  I have waited two long years to ride that bike.  I broke my tailbone right after purchasing it in 2009, and it was still too painful to use last summer.  Just another reason to put a smile on my face.

Upon returning to the house, we let the kids play outside again.  Graysen watched in awe as Eloic rode his tricycle up and down the driveway.  I took out Eloic's old Cozy Coupe and plopped Graysen in it.  Instant smile from ear to ear.  We "chased" Eloic on his tricycle with the Cozy Coupe, and the two boys and I giggled infectiously.  Graysen loves that car - perhaps even more than Eloic did.  He's even figured out how to push it backwards.

He loved the siron!

We came inside and ate the Jello we had prepared earlier.  Graysen got his own bowl and LOVED it.  Anyone who knew us as the Aurora and Denali were growing up knows we NEVER would have given them something like Jello at this age, but by the 4th time around we are most definitely more relaxed.  It was super messy, and Graysen was red all over, but what's important was that everyone enjoyed it.

YUMMY

The aftermath

Overall, today was a day that reminded me that while this past year may not have been what I wanted it to be, it was a once in a lifetime opportunity.  While it wasn't all roses and sunshine, there were moments that were GREAT and they shouldn't be suffocated by those that didn't quite make the cut.  The times where I couldn't go outside to enjoy the outside air and sun shouldn't be overshadowing the times where I watched my beautiful son smile at me in delight.  The nightly crying streaks shouldn't make me forget the peaceful body that slept as he nursed.  The moments where we were segregated in our own house do to incessant fighting and arguments should not come above the moments where we pulled together as a family, laughed, loved, and shared our thoughts without fear.  I needed to be reminded of what an amazing experience whether it turned out the way I wanted it to go or not, that this year has been. 

Today was the perfect day for it.

House of Germs XXXX Stay Out

I feel like this is a sign we should hang on our door right now... like we need to be quarantined.  Have you seen the episode of Raising Hope where Maw Maw's germ infested self was revealed under the black light?  Well if you did, that's our house right now, so I would stay away.  Some days I wish we could put our family in a bubble, both to protect ourselves from others and to protect others from us.

There are two distinct schools of thought on germs.  The first is that we should be super cleaning to avoid contact with germs at all, and the second is that we should keep exposing ourselves to these microscopic organisms in hopes of developing a super immune system.  I'd like to think we'd fall somewhere in the middle.  Anyone who's seen our house knows we are not the super clean kind, but I most certainly don't go in search of a bug to increase our immune responses.

One of the difficulties we face as a family of 6 is that when we get sick, it's a friggen long ordeal.  As a single person, you get sick, you take the day or two off you need.  You sleep it all away and feel good as new 2 days later.  As a mother or father of 4, you watch it go through each of your children - usually one at time, doting on their every need for days on end.  Inevitably, you awake one day and find yourself suffering from the same symptoms you know and despise.  You make every effort possible to make sure everyone washes their hands.  You sanitize laundry every day.  You wipe down surfaces that may have been touched.  You make sure you only touch what you absolutely have to, all the while being sure to give all the cuddles and hugs necessary to make your children feel taken care of and loved.  All that, and it STILL goes through everyone, and you STILL end up getting sick.  It sucks and I'm tired, and I really don't want to puke again.  Will someone come take care of me?

Really though, I realize getting sick is inevitable.  We all get flus and colds.  I make certain that when my family is sick I limit contact with others so as not to spread the viruses and bacteria that knock us down so hard.  I don't expect others to stop living their lives because they are sick, I just wish we could stick a damn bubble over our friggen house sometimes.  Today is one of those days.

Oh dear.

Working Mama

I go back to work officially in 4.5 weeks... May 9th to be exact, but I mosied on into the office today (at a ripe 10:15!) and stayed a staggering 8 hours before leaving at 6:15.  I'm tired, but not the physically, I've been up with the baby since 6 this morning kind of tired.  It's the I'm excited about what's to come kind of tired.  BIG DIFFERENCE!

Those of you who know me well know that I love my job.  Most of you know the position I was in 3 years ago, searching for the job that fit me after leaving a job that I hated but was qualified to do.  My schooling gave me a diploma in CAD/CAM Engineering Technology (really long name for someone who uses computers to help design and draft), but my passion lies in programming.  I've always loved math, and programming is like one giant math equation solving one giant problem.  I'm grinning from ear to ear as I write it, it makes me that happy...

I've had a position change within work, and when I return, I'm on to strictly IT and Programming.  No more structural design unless there is a dire need.  Some of you are probably shuddering at the thought, but I'm not.  I'm more excited than ever.  The company I work for is so fantastic that they created this position to suite my wants, desires, and, hopefully, innate talent.  I just hope I can return this "favor" with a decent program to use :).

That being said, I'm soooo going to miss my babies (yes, they are ALL babies!).  It was so tough leaving the house today knowing I wasn't going to see them for almost 10 whole hours (factoring in the drive), but at least I got to spend 3 precious hours with them before heading off at 9.  I thought of them periodically throughout the day, managed to engage everyone I spoke to in a conversation about diapers (yes - every one!), said the word poop at least 10 times, and managed to find and print out a new side snapping diaper pattern (sorry ENGCOMP - I used a couple of pieces of paper ;)).  It's going to be a big adjustment, but I know it's for the best.  Being a mom and working requires a tough balance to be found, but I know we'll figure it out - we always have, and I think we are all better for it.

A Part of the Family

I'm reminded today about family.  About what family means, and the impact that said family leaves on your life. 

I know I am behind in my blogging, and I should be catching up on it... but I can't... not tonight.  My heart is heavy with a sadness I can't explain.  I can only hope that we can find some kind of resolution.

First, I'll backtrack a little and on a more positive note, talk about our wonderful visit with Tante Henny and Theo.  If you'll recall from a post a couple of weeks back, I talked about what a big part of Aurora and Denali's lives they were, and how I hoped they would be a bigger part of Graysen and Eloic's future.  Today we had a chance to catch up as we visited with them and their gorgeous baby Granddaughter, Lily.  It was so great to see the joy in their faces as they played with and doted on Lily.  G and Lily actually interacted in a way I hadn't anticipated - they loved each other!  We caught up and gabbed with Henny and Theo, ate a fantastic supper, and watched as an angelic Lily slept as Theo played the piano and Henny swayed with her.  Amazing the hypnotic effect the piano had on that little girl!  We are hoping to have many more visits with them in the upcoming months :)

Somewhere in the visit we talked about dogs.  We spoke of our fabulous Triscuit - our beautiful black English Cocker Spaniel.  A fantastic family dog, we hope to breed her this year - partly to give our children the experience of a birth and raising pups, and partly to entertain the idea of keeping a pup of hers.  Henny and Theo expressed some interest in a pup, and when we got home, I looked on Kijiji to see if we could find a suitable mate (she will be coming into heat shortly, so we want to line one up soon).  This is the part when my heart dropped, and I felt such a disappointment - both in ourselves and another family.

We've gone through a couple of dogs in our time as a family finding the right dog for us.  Some we gave up on early, some we worked for years to mold into what we wanted, but always we felt a feeling of guilt and relief when they left.  The feelings of guilt were quickly buried, remembering those dogs for the faults.  Three months ago, we gave away Molly to a family (for free).  Molly was probably one of the sweetest dogs you could ever meet, and she was ultimately a fantastic family dog, but she was not without her faults.  She was a piddler and didn't have the greatest hygiene.  This was not fault of her own - part of it was how we treated her (she became very submissive), and part of it was how she was raised (on a cement pad).  Could we have solved these issues on our own?  Maybe.  Did we have the energy to try?  Not really.  Did we think it was easier to find another home for her?  Definitely.  Another home it was...

When Molly left, I did a little happy dance.  I really felt this little hippy family would be her forever home.  I really, really thought they would be able to love her for all her faults.  It turns out they didn't.

Today, posted merely hours ago, was an ad for our Molly.  It was the first ad I saw in my search for a stud.   I have not looked on Kijiji for anything dog related since we posted our own add for Molly 3 months ago.  The irony that today, the day I finally look again, I see this ad. 

The ad reads:

American Cocker Spaniel for sale - $125.00. She is a great family dog, great with kids, and a great personality. She loves cuddles, is spayed, updated shots, enjoys walks and car rides. 

Molly, as easy as it seemed to give her away, was a family dog.  We mulled over the decision for weeks/months.  She was OUR family dog.  We loved her deeply, but she just never fit our family like Triscuit does.  That being said, the thought of her being bounced around from family to family is too much for me to bear.  I've emailed them, hoping that they might give her back to us so that we can help find her a more suitable home, or perhaps after our brief hiatus, refresh our relationship with her.  I can't help but shake the feeling that we turned our back on her, and that she will suffer from our short-comings.  .

I can't turn my back on her again. 

PROMO: Cloth Contest!!!

Cloth Diapers Contests and Giveaways are having another fantastic giveaway:

http://www.clothdiapercontests.com/2011/03/diapersupplyca-gift-pack-review.html



Their partner site (fantastic and trying to get forums going):

A little behind...

So - I'm a little behind... OK... a LOT behind, but that's alright.  I will catch up soon.  Here's a quick update on what is going on in the land of the Therrien's, for which I will follow with more in depth posts:

1. We had a fantastic pot luck supper with the Duecks and the Peters.  It was so yummy and filling, and my mouth is watering just thinking about it!
2. My parents came for a fantastic weekend visit.  It was great.  We played cards, visited, ate some good food and threw my Mom totally off the diabetic sugar charts (whoops...).
3. The kids had another hockey game last night, and although they lost, they played a very good game.  I'm so proud of how far they have come.
4. I've been sewing cloth diapers like a crazy woman and loving it.  It is so much more fullfilling than buying them, and I constantly have new fluff to put on G's bum. 
5. We are keeping the room we set up as a spare room/office/sewing center!!!!!  Going to make it a permanent addition once the floors are finished :)
6. G has been sleeping like a trooper, and I couldn't be happier.
7. We are starting to test drive new/used vehicles!

That's about it!  I'll be blogging about each of these items in the upcoming days :)

Texting Disabled

So, it turns out I am texting disabled... or so it would seem.  Maybe it's just my phone, or maybe it's because I don't do it often enough, but whatever it is, this technologically savvy woman is just dumbfounded at the T9Word.

Our old phone, we would be able to easily cycle between the different words that were possible by simply pressing next.  This phone gives you a pop-up selection instead - only there aren't all the words that are possibilities.  I can't count how many times I had to reword and find a different way to say what I'm trying to say, just so I don't have to use certain words.  I felt very awkward, and it just confirmed my lack of interest in the whole cell phone/texting thing.  I don't know how people do it every day all day long...  I couldn't!

So when I logged on to Facebook and saw an IPhone4 texting flub-ups, I checked it out.  I could totally relate after today, but these are hilarious.  I laughed until I cried and then I checked out the website.  If you're looking for a good laugh, check it out... Just as a warning, some of the words might be found offensive, but I think most of you won't mind :)

www.damnyouautocorrect.com

I'm still laughing!!

Reflection: Content

I'm not someone who goes to church.  I'm not sure where I fit in the realm of religion.  However, every once in a while, we poke our heads in at the Laird Mennonite Church.  The kids like to sing in the choir and participate in the plays, and in my opinion, it's probably one of the best places for them to spend some extracurricular time.  Today was a church day for our whole family.

I'm usually preoccupied with the little kids and, admittedly, don't actively listen to what's being taught.  Today was different.  Graysen sat quietly and when he got tired, I nursed him and he slept peacefully in my arms.  Eloic sat quietly beside Reno and played with his action figures.  Aurora and Denali sat at the front for the children's feature after doing an adorable choir performance.  Karen started off talking about clothes and being picky about what you wear.  It caught my attention.  I was going to listen carefully so that when we went home we could talk to Aurora about clothes and picking them out and exactly how long that should take her in the morning.  Anyone that knows Aurora, knows this is a bone of contention in the morning.  BUT the children's feature took a different turn than I thought - one that talked about what we wear being love, gentleness, forgiveness, etc.  Still I listened intently, hoping to find something to stick in my back pocket for later.

Following children's feature, the discussion turned to money, possessions, and worry.  About how we should not let ourselves be tied to our belongings, not let ourselves be defined by what we own... not let what we wear be a matter of the physical sense rather than the spiritual.  We should be content with what we have rather than fixating on what we won't.  There will always be something we want that we don't have.  Money  and physical belongings will not fill a void - only create a new one or displace it.  I thought very deeply about this.  This sermon was meant for me.  I was no longer listening for a lesson tool to use with Aurora - I was listening for myself.

I've been really struggling lately.  It started with doing my Christmas shopping online.  I liked it so much that I've been doing it since.  Really, what is better than finding a smoking deal on something with free shipping??  What's better than picking up the mail and finding that you have some goodies waiting for you? 

What's better is being content enough with your life that you don't need to order the stuff in the first place. 

I have a great life, with friends and family and everything I/we need.  I am content - are you?

Silence is not always golden

Wow - what a week!

There's so much to say, and I'm not quite sure if I should squeeze this into one long blog post, or if I should split it up.  If my readers (HA - the handful of you!) wish to see this as separate blogs, let me know and next time I'll try to do that :)

As for the visit with J & P and fam, I am sad that it's over.  You would never have known that we had 8 children under the age of 8 in the house most of the time.  True - it was loud.  True - it was busy.  True - it was so much fun!  The kids played VERY well together.  They went skating and to hockey practice, played outside, video games, cards, playdough... etc. 

Here's a picture of them all together (minus Graysen who was napping):

The kids were usually in bed by 10:30ish, at which time, we adults relaxed and watched some TV.  Mostly we just hung out together.  P and I bonded over online shopping and cloth diapers :)  It felt so good to just relax with some people who I truly do feel are our friends just as much as they are family.  Everyone seemed to be very comfortable and made themselves at home which was great to see.  I went scrapbooking on the Friday night and made a great little FAMILY scrapbook (from the word).  I felt guilty leaving everyone, but they seemed to have fun with or without me ;) 

Linkin in 10 weeks old already... he's getting so big.  I got my baby fix, holding him and rocking him.  Such a cutie with his big brown eyes, and that big gummy smile.  I look at him and Graysen together, and I can't believe that he was once that little...  G started crawling the day before everyone came, and by the time they left, we was getting pretty good at it!

We finished up the visit with an unplanned trip to the city for P and I to buy some new cloth diapers, and for us all to eat in the city.  We "attempted" to go to Fuddruckers, but discouraged by the line-up, went to Bonanza instead.  That was actually a great move as Bonanza is very young kid friendly.  I can't believe how well all the kids behaved.  It was great that we weren't the ones with the kids screaming and jumping on the benches!

Coming home to the house afterwards felt very empty and quiet.  Odd to feel lonely when the house is still quite full, but that's how it felt.  I wish we were closer to family.  Laird has taken us in and we have found a family in our friends and neighbors, but nothing replaces your real family.  I can only hope that we get the chance to see more of all of our families over the coming years.  We really like the new setup with the extra bedroom downstairs for COMPANY (hint hint).

For a shout out to Ilane - Eloïc loves his new clothes, so Thank You!  My favorite is the shirt that says "Under Construction Please Excuse my Mess" on the front and "Adult Supervision Required" on the back.  So cute!

That just about sums it up!  Thanks so much, J & P for coming to visit!  You made this week full of family fun.

Promise

J & P and family are here visiting, and will be leaving today after a fun filled couple of days :)

I promise I will follow up with another post tonight, telling of all of our adventures!

PROMO: Another cloth contest

GIVEAWAY!! In honor of Dr. Seuss's birthday on March 2nd, Sweet Lil' Bumbums will be giving away a Seuss diaper! See http://www.facebook.com/Sweetlilbumbums for details.

Mother of a Sale!

As confessed in my previous posts, I love cloth diapers... and... I love shopping online :).  My endless search has me signed up for all kinds of "Sale of the Day" sites.  You receive alerts regarding the sale of the day - usually 50% off of something. 

Today I opened my Facebook to see Mother Of A Sale is having a $250 Cloth Diaper Start Up Set Give Away.  Eagerly, I checked the details.  I'm excited.  They are giving away $250 in 3 new lines of cloth diapers, and all I have to do is blog about it to get entered.  I couldn't track down all the details, but I'm thinking that the Mother of a Diaper Sales Event starting February 22nd is a three day event - each day with a deal on a new diaper line.  Today's was Oh Katy Diapers which I think is a revamp of the Katydid diaper.  Pretty darn cute diapers, and if I hadn't already bought a new AMP Duo Pocket diaper today, I might have been tempted with this deal.  I'll update with more details once I know more.  

Stay tuned as I may get to review one of these new diapers!  A perk to being an obsessive online shopper AND cloth diaper fanatic.

Check out www.motherofasale.com or check out Mother Of A Sale on Facebook for fantastic daily sales, discounts and coupons!

Family Day Ramblings

It's Family Day today.  It's also the start to an entire week of the kids being off from school.  There are some welcome breaks that come with this (not having to make lunches, Aurora can sleep as late as she wants...), but I'll be the first to admit, these weeks are also dreaded at times. 

Don't get me wrong - I love my children more than anything in the world.  I have some truly enjoyable moments with them, both as individuals and as a group.  I also have some moments where I am ready to scream or run or simply implode.  The constant nattering, fighting, wrestling, and arguing grates every nerve by the end of the day.  It can be overwhelming, and anyone who can do this alone is my hero.  Thank God I have Reno - not only to share the workload, but also my frustrations and joys.

This morning was not a great start to the week.  For the past year, we've been dancing around discipline with Eloic.  He's a more trying child than any of our others.  He pushes buttons, limits, and people.  Being 4 years younger than Denali, our solution for a long time was just to have the older kids give him what he wants.  After all, he was young and didn't understand in the ways that Denali and Aurora did.  Gone are those days.  We've put our foot down, and we are following through on our repercussions for him.  While some expectations are different from the bigger kids, most certainly apply to him. 

This morning began with an hour long fiasco because he wanted juice in a cup with a lid so he could drink it in the living room.  My answer was no - he needed to drink it at the table just like everyone else.  In the end, we followed through on every single request/consequence.   There was a lot of crying, screaming, throwing things... but he got it.  He was happier for the rest of the day than I have seen him in a long time.  And listen - absolutely!

The remainder of the day was pretty spectacular actually.  We played games with the kids, did puzzles and made cookies.  The two youngest boys napped in the afternoon at the same time, so we got in some great card playing with Aurora and Denali. 

There are times when I look at them and wonder how they got to be such amazing and wonderful kids.  I think about all the people in their lives that made them who they are today.  I think of all the days when I was at work and Reno was home with them, holding true to the values we both share and moulding our children to fit them.  I also think of Henny and Theo - two of the most important people in Aurora and Denali's lives (and will be in Eloic and G's!) - who helped us raise them for two years while we both worked/went to college.  Without Tante Henny and Cha Cha, I'm am certain Aurora and Denali would not be who they are.  I look at Graysen and the little personality beginning to emerge.  I can't wait to see what he's like, who he takes after, and where he fits in our little (big) family.

Not such a bad start to the week after all... I think I'm going to look forward to the rest of it.  In the end, this house isn't just full of chaos and noise - it's also filled with some pretty awesome people if I might say so myself... Let's just hope I feel the same way tomorrow ;)

Happy Family Day!

Change isn't always bad... right?

So.... I won. 

It's been pretty interesting this last week - grabbing sleep in whatever bed or couch we can.  We moved Graysen over to our bedroom so that Reno could begin his Daddy sleep bootcamp with him (very successful I might add), and we didn't want Eloїc to have to listen to any potential crying that might come with this.  Graysen was a trooper, and within 2 nights was sleeping pretty much through the night.  Everyone got sick after this, and with all the coughing, we just kept G in our bedroom.  I can't sleep in the room with him (I'm convinced he can smell the milk), and Reno can't either because he snores something wicked sometimes.  Reno's been bunking on the floor on a twin air mattress in Eloїc's bedroom, while I've been bouncing around the house.  Now we're expecting.  Not the baby sort - we are expecting J and P to come stay for a couple of nights this week with their 3 girls and newest little boy. 

This all got me to thinking about how nice it was before when we had more than enough rooms for the number of people in the house.  I liked having a spare bedroom that Reno could slip off to if he was snoring.  I liked having somewhere for company to stay when visiting that didn't require a week long adventure of pestering Aurora to clean her room.  I just missed having a room that was there "just in case".  This week, I really could have used this room.

Obviously, with 4 children in a 1200 sq. ft. house, that's just not possible without having them bunk together.  I'm fine with the two littlest boys sharing a room.  We've tried Denali and Eloїc sharing a room, but that ultimately didn't work out, and it's just not fair to expect a boy and girl to share a room at 7 and 8 years old. 

The basement space that isn't currently consumed with bedrooms, bathrooms, storage, etc. is pretty uncultivated.  It's basically a not-so-big open space with a couch, toys, area rug, and TV/Video game area.  The kids like it down there, and spend a fair amount of time in the space.  It was working for us quite well, and the area was very comfortable... BUT there was potential for more.  There was a portion of the area that was largely used for storage that could be better utilized.  The whole space could be divided into two parts, and we could make one into another bedroom.  Was it worth the effort?  Was it worth changing what we liked and risk not liking what we transformed it into? My resounding YES, was met with a flat out NO from Reno.  I, of course, had to see how steadfast he was in the answer :)

We bantered back and forth, which elevated to a light yell.  Aurora was watching us argue and laughing all the while.  By the time we were done, we hadn't agreed.  I felt defeated and gave up... but so did he, so being the opportunist I am, I jumped on his feelings of defeat.  We've changed the spaces around, and while I'm not totally convinced either of us are going to like it, we are going to give it a shot for a while....

In the meantime, I'll count this as a win ;)

I'll update with pictures once it's a bit more finished.

Video Trial

Just testing out a video here :) 



Thinking of doing a video Saturday...

It's a Lifestyle Choice

This is something you hear quite often.  People get harrassed enough about a certain decision they have made about the way they live, and after defending it time and time again, begin to just say "it's a lifestyle choice".  It's usually an unconventional or contraversial decision, and you have some real nay-sayers and some real supporters.  We have had some "lifestyle choices" we've made in the our times as a couple, a family, and as individuals.  We had children before we were married; we moved to a small town far from the city limits; we've chosen to have 4 children...the list goes on.  Most recently, we started cloth diapering.

The may or may not come as a big surprise to you, but this happens to be seen as a lifestyle choice.  Some people are completely supportive of our decision, other's give a smirk or roll the eyes a little.  The nay-sayers think it's hippy-ish, that we are doing this as a way of showing we are superior in some way, or that we are actually subjecting our child to sitting in a sopping wet piece of cloth that will ultimately result in a wrinkled little butt with terrible diaper rash.  Cloth diapering is something I feel passionately enough about that I'm not going to sit and defend this as being a "lifestyle choice".  I'll tell you exactly why we* have chosen to use cloth diapering:

1. Disposable diapers are the 5th largest contributor to landfill garbage.  It is expected that a single disposable diaper takes over 500 years to decompose.
2. Disposal of human waste in a landfill is actually illegal and cause for a fine.  You are supposed to scrape the poop out of a diaper before tossing it in the garbage.
3. Disposable diapers are laden with carcinogens and chemicals with hormonal ramifications.
4. Nothing feels as good on the skin as natural fibres.
5. Diaper rash is almost non-existent with cloth.
6. Cloth is so much cheaper!  $300-500 for a child's lifetime in cloth diapers...  $2500-3000 for a child's lifetime in disposables.
7. I love looking at Graysen in those cute little fuzzy diapers :)  Shopping for diapers has become a bit of an addiction.
8. Graysen loves his cute little fuzzy diapers... maybe not for the same reasons as me, but he is visibly more comfortable in cloth.

There are actually many more reasons, but those are the biggest.  To me it's not a personal lifestyle choice... that would imply it only affects us/me.  It's a choice we made with everyone in mind.  Granted, we have the most to gain from doing this, I'm also hoping that by being a big proponent for cloth diapering, I can influence somebody else to make this change.  In Graysen's lifetime we will have kept approximately 4,500 diapers from hitting the landfill.  Now, if only we had made this decision when Aurora was a baby - nearly 20,000 diapers is a lot!

Here's a picture of our stash :)

And one of the little cutie that wears them

*by we, I mean I :)  Thankfully Reno is completely supportive and involved in carrying out this decision.

8 Months Old Today...

G celebrated his 8 month birthday today with a visit to the doctors and subsequently pokes, prods, and x-rays.   He's had a cold for 5+ days.  It seemed to be getting better, but yesterday he was gagging on his cheerios.  He's crazy for food - devours cheerios by the handful, so it's quite unusual for this kind of behavior.  I brushed it off - thought it was just the fact that his nose was plugged.  I knew something was up today when he was yawning while eating his breakfast.  He was extremely tired and irritable.  By 2 in the afternoon, we couldn't take the crying anymore, and thinking there was something very wrong, brought him in to an impromptu doctor's appointment.  The doctor was concerned enough about him that she ordered a CBC and chest x-ray.

Probably the hardest thing I've had to endure with one of our children, I was in tears almost as much as he was.  If you've never seen what the contraption looks like that holds an infant to take an x-ray, take a look at this...

As you can imagine, it's not fun.  Ironically, the little man that didn't nap all day today fell fast asleep as they took x-rays in this position.  Taking blood was a different story... his chubby little arms were hard to find veins in, and at 8 months old, it's pretty damn hard to make him stay still.  The lab technicians were fabulous and did a great job helping him (and me!) stay as calm as could be expected.

Both tests turned out fine.  His chest is clear, no infections of the ears or throat, and his blood counts came back perfect.  Doped him up on Tylenol and Advil and he's happy as a pig in mud.

Go figure.

Oh well, better safe than sorry!  Oh - and the little man weighs 20lbs :)  Happy 8th month Mr. G!

10 Facts About our Family

1. Graysen has 6 teeth.
2. Reno has been applying at places to finish his practicum (after almost 6 years)
3. Aurora has been enjoying playing hockey.
4. Triscuit loves to eat toilet paper.
5. I am addicted to cloth diapering and natural fibre clothing... and shopping online (GULP!)
6. Denali asks for craft day every Saturday.
7. Eloїc is obsessed with the Avatar The Last Airbender series.
8. We have been sleeping wherever we can in the house because Graysen is sleeping in our bedroom.
9. I start back at work on May 9th.
10. We love having company :)

New to blogging...old to facebook

I'm giving up.

I'm giving up on Facebook.  I like logging on and seeing snippits of peoples lives.  I like seeing who has had a baby, who's getting married, and who's had some amazing luck and is happy with his/her life.  What I don't like is seeing status updates about petty fights, how utterly unhappy someone is, or how some people have the worst luck in life.  I'll admit, I am guilty of the last part, just as much as the first, and while I try my hardest to put a positive spin on life, it doesn't always happen. 

Facebook only shows you those snippets... maybe even a picture or video or two. If your life isn't juicy or your status isn't eye-catching, it doesn't get read.  People don't just go to your profile and look to see what's up with your life, and if they do, it's more to snoop than anything (GUILTY!!).

I'm starting a blog.

I'm starting a blog to write about our family.  To write about what's happening in our lives.  To show pictures and catalogue our journey.  I'm inviting everyone to come and look and see what's happening.   I want you all to see more than what a line or two can say on a page surrounded by people who are living super juicy lives or reposting chainlike statuses.  I want you all to want to take the time in your day to check out what's up with the Therriens, just the same as I would want to check out what's going on in your life. 

It's worth it to me - is it worth it to you?